Confessions of a Spray-Tan-Aholic.

Confessions of a Spray Tan-A-Holic.

Hello. My name is Jill and I’m a spray tan-aholic. It’s been six days since my last spray. And I’m not gonna lie, its been a hard six days.

It started out as something I just did for fun. You know, a once-in-a-while kind of thing. I was going on vacation in the middle of winter to somewhere warm and I thought I’d feel so much better in my swimsuit if I had a little color, right? (Everyone knows tan looks better in a swimsuit than pale does.) I told myself I’d just go once so that I’d feel more comfortable. I figured it was better than going to a tanning bed, and this way I could stay out of the sun, but still have a little healthy glow. I convinced myself it was a good thing.

And I liked it.

I liked it so much that I started looking for reasons to go back in and get my glow on. I’d go if I had a special event coming up like a wedding or a fundraiser. I’d look for strapless dresses in order to justify the need for a tan. My post spray glow would last for nearly a week and I loved all the compliments I got. People said I looked healthier, my teeth looked whiter – they said I looked thinner and younger. Ah! Music to my vanity! I knew I was going a little more frequently, but I told myself I had it under control. I could stop any time I wanted to.

But then, I started to need a spray before any social event. Pampered Chef party? Better get a spray! Kim’s turning 40? Better get a spray! Teeth-cleaning coming up? Better get a spray! I started thinking if a little spray looks good, maybe a lot of spray would look fantastic!

Before I knew it, I’m signed up at MagicTan for the unlimited monthly package and I’m on the stuff once a week. Sometimes twice a week. Year round.

All my white sheets are ruined. My sweat looks like iced tea. I don’t even appear to be the same ethnicity as my children anymore (despite the fact that I am). The compliments have stopped and I can’t help but recognize the look of pity in people’s eyes when they asked if I’ve just come back from the equator, and I am forced to say no. No, I haven’t. People won’t even discuss the movie Charlie and The Chocolate Factory in my presence. It’s as if they fear a stray reference to an Oompa Loompa would be hitting too close to home.

I tried to cancel my monthly package at MagicTan, but the person working there talked me out of it with a cunning and well-placed, ‘It makes you look younger by at least 5 years!’  I know I should stop. I know it. I tried weaning myself off of it by using the at-home Banana Boat, but it’s not the same. I go back to the good stuff every time.

I’ve been told the first step on the road to recovery is to admit that there’s a problem. And my mirror confirms that there is a problem. A big, orange problem. And it’s time to do something about it. Maybe there is a 12 step program for people like me (Snooki, any suggestions?) Or maybe I should just start hoping beyond hope that pale comes back into fashion like it was in 18th century Victorian England. Powdered wigs. Now, there’s a trend I could get behind…

And maybe one day, I can embrace my unique shade of cadaver-white skin and truly become proud to be pale.

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9 Comments on “Confessions of a Spray-Tan-Aholic.”

  1. Pete Denton says:

    Great post. Made me laugh, thanks

  2. bubblyfriend says:

    that is so funny….. I once spray tanned at Magic Tan, then went to meet my husband and kids at Yogoluv……I walked in and smiled…Bennet said I looked like Ross Gellar in that Friends episode where his teeth glow!!! Ha, Ha, Ha……but just for the record, I’ve never thought you looked orange like an oompa loompa: )

  3. Stacia says:

    ooooh they tried to talk me into the unlimited package last week! I resisted!!! I am still in your Phase Two. Spraying for ANY sort of special event.

  4. Rockitalian says:

    Hilarious!

  5. Holly says:

    Golden….no pun intended!!!! Oh honey, I’ve sampled most of the spray tan places in town and could do a run down on whose color is orange, bronze or gold. I started to get hooked last year and then summer came, and well, I skipped the spray tan and just went for pure 100% sun damage instead. I was doing so well–no spray tans! But now it’s Heart Ball, Gala, vacation, spring break (Omaha so really no good excuse there), then Easter, a wedding….the need goes on and on until that golden ball in the sky gets hot enough to hit the pool. Maybe if we’re lucky, dermatologists will invent retin-a with a bronzer! Just about anything would SMELL better than a self-tanner 🙂

  6. shesabitbookish says:

    I just read this, and I have to say that despite 1) not having spray-tanned since my wedding eight years ago and 2) having recently read an article explaining that spray-tanning does, indeed, cause cancer and other maladies, your post makes me want a MagicTan.

  7. […] the To Avoid list is spray tanning. If you’ve read my blog before, you might be familiar with my spray tanning addiction. So you can imagine that when the FDA decided spray tanning causes cancer and other DNA mutations, […]

  8. […] whenever possible. We may both be writers, but she writes about women’s issues; I write about spray tans. Plus, she can’t even have breakfast in bed. Nope. Not […]


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