At first I was afraid. I was petrified…

This post is an update on my one from last week, A Camping We Must Go. Due to the numerous calls, emails, and texts I received asking me if I survived my weekend camping trip, I have written an answer to the tune of  Gloria Gaynor’s iconic anthem, I Will Survive. Since this is the one of the best ladies-who-kick-ass songs of all times, I felt it only fitting. (It was also fitting because camping made my hair look much like Ms. Gaynor’s on her 1978 album cover.) I hope you will be able to hear the music in your head as you read…

At first I was afraid.

I was petrified.

Kept thinking I could never learn

how to sleep outside.

I spent oh so many nights

just stressing out about the trip

Then I said, “Crap,

And I put on my baseball cap,

And then I camped.

I f*#!ing camped!

We made a fire and roasted s’mores; we hiked a trial and peed outdoors.

I should have changed my stupid shoes,

I should have left my flats at home,

If I’d have known for just one second,

just how far we’d hike and roam.

 

But yeah, we went!

We pitched a tent!

I didn’t even bitch and moan; I did not show my discontent.

Burnt food and bugs, they tried to make me say goodbye,

But did I crumble?

Did I lay down and die?

Oh, no not I!

I testified!

As long as I stayed cool and dry, I knew that I’d get by.

My next vacation,

I will spa.

But for now,

I say hurrah…

Because I camped,

I f*@!ing camped,

Hey, hey!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


A Camping We Must Go.

I have often said that I could live the rest of my life in an airlock in outer space and never miss going outside. Needless to say, I’m not really an outdoorsy person. I like my air – conditioned. My bathrooms – indoors. My showers – hot. And my bed – high off the ground. But this coming Saturday, nature and I have a date with destiny: I am going camping with my family. Outside. In a tent. All night long.

Why, you ask, would I do such a thing? In a heavily ironic twist of fate, I find myself the co-leader of my ten-year-old son’s Cub Scout den. I, along with my sister-in-law, are responsible for helping seven boys learn a variety of nature-related skills on their way to becoming Boy Scouts. Though I could not be less qualified for this work, I was willing and available to help, so I got the job.

For most of the skills we have to teach the boys, we can either call in a professional to help (knot-tying, wood whittling, or CPR) or we can do a quick-study and teach them ourselves (baking soda volcanoes, recycling projects, and bicycle safety). But this year, the boys have to earn their Outdoorsman Activity Badge and this requires – you guessed it – spending time outdoors. So we are all going on a Cub Scout Family Camp this Saturday. Outside. In a tent. All night long.

I had actually hoped never to go camping again. I went once when I was nineteen and living in Colorado for the summer with three friends. We, or rather, they decided it would be fun to go camping for a night. We, or rather, they were wrong. I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember a few important lessons I learned that night:

  1. Building a fire is harder than it looks.
  2. Cold hot dogs do not taste good.
  3. Never underestimate a 30% chance of rain.
  4. Not all tents are waterproof.
  5. One can never wear too much bug spray.
  6. Fear of a bear attack will keep a girl up all night.
  7. Any activity in which you have to “watch out for snakes” is not for me.
  8. It is not possible to “hold-it” all night when you’ve had a certain amount of diet coke.
  9. Going to the bathroom outside in the dark when you’re a girl can be tricky and upsetting.
  10.  You can get poison ivy anywhere on your body.

I survived my one night of camping, considered it a victory that I didn’t go sleep in the car, and checked it off my to-do list forever. But here I am, too many years later, and there Camping is, on my list again.  And this time I can’t even comfort myself by complaining about it. As a den leader, I have to show enthusiasm and excitement about camping! I have to model for the kids a positive attitude, a willingness to jump in, and if not show a love for nature, then at the very least hide my contempt for it. And I’ll have to do it all outside. In a tent. All night long.

I’d like to say that maybe I will learn to enjoy communing with nature this time around, but I am too old for that kind of naïve optimism. My only real goal is to make it through the experience without the boys picking up on my aversion to great outdoors. Second to that, I’m hoping for a dry forecast, a snake-free tent, and a personal state of semi-dehydration that will allow me to make it through till morning without needing a potty break. Because whatever else I will be this weekend – itchy, scared, cold, hungry – I will definitely be outside. In a tent. All night long.

Wish me luck.